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Between Master and Disciples

Begin the New Year with Positive Thinking, Part 10 of 12, Dec. 31, 2005

Lecture Language:English,Vietnamese(Tiếng Âu Lạc (Tiếng Việt)),Chinese(中文)
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He heard something, “Bang! Bang! Boom!” upstairs, very loud. So he asked his friend, “Hey John, what’s going on up there?” So John said, “Ah, nothing wrong. It’s usual stuff!” He said, “What do you mean ‘usual’? Why is it so loud?” He said, “No, it’s just my mother dragging my father’s clothes across the floor.” So he said, “But why, if it’s just a pair of clothes, why so noisy?” He said, “Because my father is in it!”

Anything else, baby? Any more jokes? I had a lot of jokes but I told you all already, and I don’t have any more left. Yes. You have a joke? Cool. Microphone. You all look like kings and queens. (It’s not actually a joke. It’s just like can someone guess what kind of melon that is not growing on land?) What kind of melon that’s not growing on land? That’s a watermelon! I guess. No? So smart! Aloha.

There’s a joke that you already know, but I’ll tell you again. There was a German who went all the way to Hawaii on vacation. When he walked down from the airplane, he saw a native. Looked like a native. He said, “Do you live here, sir?” He said, “Yes, yes. I was born here.” “OK. Ah, so you are native. Nice to know you.” He said, “Excuse me, but people keep telling me it’s Havaii. Is it Hawaii or Havaii?” You know already, right? So the native man said, “Havaii, of course.” So the German said, “Oh, thanks a lot. I always spell it wrong. But thank you, anyhow. Now I know. It’s Havaii, isn’t it?” He said, “Yes, Havaii.” “Thank you.” And he said, “You’re velcome.” You know the joke already, no? Some of you know, right? Some of you don’t know? (No.) I could tell jokes forever.

There was a kid, coming to see his friend, a boy. And he heard something, “Bang! Bang! Boom!” upstairs, very loud. So he asked his friend, “Hey John, what’s going on up there?” So John said, “Ah, nothing wrong. It’s usual stuff!” He said, “What do you mean ‘usual’? Why is it so loud?” He said, “No, it’s just my mother dragging my father’s clothes across the floor.” So he said, “But why, if it’s just a pair of clothes, why so noisy?” He said, “Because my father is in it!”

People in the garage have it already? (Yes.) Share it! It’s very sweet, you can’t eat it alone, share it. (Yes.) You’ll get sick. (Thank You.)

Any jokes? (Over here.) Yeah! Joke. (Three science students and three art students were trying to go home for the weekend. And they were standing at the train station, at the window. And the three art students bought three tickets, one ticket each. But the science students, they only bought one ticket.) For three. (Yes. So they were wondering what these guys were up to. As soon as they got on the train, the science students ran into the toilet; all three of them hid in there. And about half an hour later, the conductor walked down, he knocked on the door of the toilet and he said, “Ticket, please.” And they passed the ticket under the door, one ticket; he stamped it and passed it back. So they had that journey for free, those three guys. The next weekend, they’re at the window again, the three art students and the three science students. The three art students bought just one ticket. The three science students didn’t buy a ticket at all.) Oh! (So they get on the train again. The three art students run into the toilet. About half an hour later there’s a knock on the door, and one of the science students says, “Ticket, please!”) Oh, my God! So he took the ticket from them. My God! Good one, good one. It’s very good. Next one, anyone else? (I know a lot, but I remember slowly.) OK. I think I told you all the jokes that I know. But I have some more, I just don’t have it here.

By the way, about the train. There was an old man you know who went on a train and sat there. And then later on, a young man came in, and then he asked the old man, a very young man, about 20, asked, “Sir, excuse me, what time is it?” And the old man ignored him, didn’t say anything. And the young man said again very politely, “Sir, excuse me, could you tell me what time it is?” And the old man hid the watch. And the young man asked again, “Sir, I only asked you what time it is. You have a watch; can you tell me?” So the old man said, “No!” And then the man next door, who was sitting next to the old man, felt a little disturbed, and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have a watch. Otherwise, I would tell the poor young man what time it is! I mean, what’s wrong with you? He only asked you what time it is. Couldn’t you even tell the poor young man?” So the old man said, “No, I’m not telling him.” He said, “What’s the reason? What did he do to you?” “Nothing! Not yet!” He said, “What do you mean ‘not yet’?” “Well, now he asks me for the time. And then later he will ask me what I do. And then ask me where my house is. And then he will ask me how much money I have. And then he will ask me how many daughters I have. And then he will want to marry my daughter. And then I’m not going to let my daughter marry such a man who doesn’t even have a watch!” Worry too much. No more jokes, then I’m telling my jokes. Yeah. Tell. (If You tell Yours first, I’ll remember again.) No, tell it. (I had it.) You’ve already got it.

(Oh, I just remembered it now. I don’t know the ranks in the army. There’s a captain and there’s the young soldier. And the Captain really was scolding and beating one of the soldiers. And when he finished, he said to the soldier, he said, “I bet that when you leave the army, you’ll want to jump up and down on my grave.” And the soldier said to him, he said, “No. After I was in the army, I promised myself, I’ll never stand in another queue.”) It means so many people would jump. That’s a good joke, a good joke.

I have another joke, by the way. You reminded me. There was a newly enlisted soldier. he was very proud in his uniform, he took a picture and everything and sent it back to his grandma. And said, “Grandma, congratulate me. I am now a soldier. Just 13 more ranks and I’ll become a major.” Captain, whatever. Thirteen more. You know how long it’ll take. I don’t know. Alright.

(I just remembered two jokes.) Yeah, Two jokes. Go ahead. (One is a drinking one as well.) Yeah. (There’s a little thin, skinny guy, he’s sitting at the bar, and he’s crying his eyes out, looking really depressed. And then... Oh, no, no, he’s not. He is just sitting, looking quietly at this pint, the drink. And this big bullying guy comes in. He pushes him out of the way, and he grabs his drink and drinks it all in one go and puts it down again.) He drinks his drink? (Yes, drinks it. Bullies him.) He drinks from the guy who sits quietly? (From the skinny guy, yes.) OK, right. (He looks frantic, then the skinny guy starts crying.) Yeah? (So the big guy says, “Oh, I’m sorry. you know. I didn’t mean to upset you so much.) Yeah, yeah. (Tell me what’s the problem.” He says, “Oh, this morning, my wife left me. On the way to the bar, I had an accident. I found out that I have cancer.) Oh! (Now I’m trying to commit suicide and you drank my drink.”) “My poison! Even I couldn’t…” Oh, I understand. “You took my poison away!” (That’s right.) I got it! Oh, jeez! That’s a good one, but very bad!

(I’ve got another one as well.) Yes! (It’s about Irish, but it’s nice.) OK. (There’s an Irish guy, and he’s got two brothers. They’ve gone to America. And every time he buys a drink, he buys three drinks. And he drinks them, and the barman says, “Hey, what’s the problem there? How come you buy three drinks together?” He says, “Oh, this is to remind me of my brothers. I have one for each of them, that’s how I have it.” And he drinks like that every day for months. One day, he goes in, and he buys just two drinks. So the barman puts his arm around him and says, “Hey! What’s the matter? Is everything OK at home?” He says, “Yeah, yeah. My brothers are OK. It’s just that I’ve stopped drinking.”) The two brothers are still drinking! That’s very cute!

I just remembered a joke now. Oh, forgot. Ah! Similar. There was a woman. I think it’s in a film. I don’t know what. A woman, big and well built, goes into a restaurant and eats everything in sight: big (vegan) turkey, (vegan) steak, (vegan) spareribs, and then (vegan) cheesecake with double (vegan) cream, and then afterward, orders a tea. The waiter asks, “How many sugars, madam?” She says, “No, no, I’m on a diet. No sugar.” Similar, similar! It is nice to have jokes. Some more? You have a lot of jokes. (They’re slowly coming back.) Slowly coming back. (I need a few more people to tell some, and then I’ll remember.)

Did you hear the joke about the forest and the elephant and turtle? No? (No.) Maybe you have, but OK, never mind. Some of you didn’t. So, laugh for the rest. And the others, just open your mouth, like lip-syncing, to fill in the gaps.

In the forest, one time there was a bad drought. No rain for a long time, long time, and many animal-people started dying. No food. So the lions of the jungle gathered all together, the subjects, and said, “We have to do something, otherwise we will all die here.” So, the owl-, the bird-, the wise owl suggested that everybody tells a joke and it has to be funny, so that all the jungle animal-people must laugh. If one of the animal-people doesn’t laugh, then the joke-teller must be eaten. That’s hard, but they have no other solution. So, “OK, let’s do that!” They said, “Otherwise, we will all die, anyway. Might as well die sacrificing for each other.” Good thinking. So first comes the elephant, he tells the joke, and very, very funny! Everybody was rolling on the ground and laughing, laughing. And all the monkeys drop off the trees and all the fish jump over the land, and they’re all laughing so much, except the turtle! Not laughing. So everybody feels so sorry for the elephant because the joke was really, really funny. But rules are rules, so they all have to eat him. OK, finish him up.

Next time comes the giraffe, tells the joke, and it’s so funny, funny! Everybody rolls on the floor laughing, and the monkeys drop off the trees again and the tiger drops dead, gasping for breath, and everything. Everyone laughs so much, except the turtle. Not laughing. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry! Everybody feels sorry, but rules are rules, so OK, they eat the giraffe. And then so and so, continue, continue, until everybody’s dead. Only the monkey’s left and so scared. He comes out and keeps looking at the turtle. He can’t say one word. So scared. And then suddenly everybody hears the turtle laughing, “Ha-ha-ha-ha! The joke that the elephant told was so funny!” You got it? You know the joke. You knew the joke, no? So, whatever you do, fast, huh? Man. It could cost lives, you know? I think I told you that joke already in Hungary? I did? (Yes. Still funny.) Still funny. (It’s funnier now.) (I heard it on CD.) Oh, CD! Oh, OK, then forget it! (It’s nice.)

There’s another joke about the rabbit! There’s a rabbit and a turtle living together. You’ve heard that joke already? I also told you? (No!) No? CD? Don’t remember. OK, pretend not to remember, fine, fine! The turtle and the rabbit lived together next door. One day the rabbit had a headache. No? Yes? (I don’t know.) OK, don’t know. Just two of you know. One knows. So the rabbit said, “Uh... Uh....” The turtle came over and said, “What’s wrong, brother? What’s wrong?” He said, “Oh, last night too much party, hangover. My head is so big and have headache. Oh! Can you go to the pharmacy, get me some Aspirin?” So the turtle said, “Of course, I’ll do anything for you. Of course, I’ll go, I’ll go.” So he went! Three hours later, the rabbit was getting a worse headache, getting worse. “Oh, where is that turtle? I just asked him for one Aspirin and he comes such a long way. What does he do? It takes so long! My headache is getting worse and worse. My God! Where’s that turtle?! Oh!” And then half an hour later, he heard next door, the turtle from next door. The turtle said, “Now that you’re talking bad about me, I am not going anymore.”

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