“Mint Condition.” Lady: “I have to return this carpet I bought from you last week. You assured me that it was in mint condition.” So the shopkeeper says, “And so it is, madam. Just look at that hole in the middle.” I don't understand it. (A mint has got a hole in it.) Mint, oh, OK. Mint condition. Oh, yeah, like a mint. Oh, English mints have a hole in the middle. There are many mints that don't have a hole in the middle.
All right. There are couple of jokes. Do you want to hear? The brother took the time to bring them here, so maybe we do that. I'll read it for New Year. A good laugh is always good.
“Washing.” It's called “Washing.” A girl... I don't know... Are the jokes good, brother? (Yes.) Guaranteed? No bedroom joke stuff in it? The kids can hear it? (Yes.) Good. “Washing.” The leaf of Irish laughter. Ha-ha! A girl was being shown around a battleship, and she wanted to know if the sailors really wash their clothes aboard the ship. So she was told: “Not at all! We just throw them overboard, and they are washed ashore.” Not bad. “Washed ashore!” Sailor talk!
“Cash and Carry.” A customer said, “Can I have a tablet of soap, please?” The assistant: “Certainly, madam. Would you like it scented?” Can you understand? The customer said, “No, thanks, I will just take it with me.” Sent! “Scented.” Ha! Ha! Ha!
It's called “Memory.” A man was registering at the reception desk of a rather rundown hotel. I hope my English is good enough for the joke, for the punch line. As he was given the key to his room, the receptionist asked him, “Have you got a good memory for faces?” “Yes, not bad. Why do you ask?” So the receptionist said, “Because there's no shaving mirror in your room, sir.” No shaving mirror. I don't know...
“Signs on it.” Signs: There's a sign seen in the shop. In the (non-alcoholic) wine shop, it says, “Thirst come, thirst served.” And in the travel agency, it says, “Why don't you go away?” And in the undertaker's, “Drive carefully. We can wait.” It's cute, huh? And in the church: “Do you know what hell is? Come and hear our organist.” “Do you know what hell is?” You don't have to go to the church.
“Mint Condition.” Lady: “I have to return this carpet I bought from you last week. You assured me that it was in mint condition.” So the shopkeeper says, “And so it is, madam. Just look at that hole in the middle.” I don't understand it. (A mint has got a hole in it.) Mint, oh, OK. Mint condition. Oh, yeah, like a mint. Oh, English mints have a hole in the middle. There are many mints that don't have a hole in the middle. That proves that I haven't been in England for a long time. Come and go too often.
It's called “Ends Meat.” Normally you say, “I can hardly make the ends meet.” But here, “ends meat,” like (vegan) steak meat. It's playing with words, I guess. A customer complained about the (vegan) sausages which she'd bought from him last week. She said, “They were all (vegan) meat at one end, all bread at the other.” So the shopkeeper replied, “I’m sorry, madam, but in these hard times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.” Man!
This is called “Living.” “What's your brother doing these days?” “Nothing!” “Oh, I thought he'd applied for that job in O'Brien's.” “Yeah, he got the job.” “Wow, he's lucky. My brother is unemployed and living above his income.” “How does he manage that?” “He's got a flat over the Social Security Office.” You all know this. Gosh! You are so clever. I couldn't even get it.
“Reminder.” Two Dublin fortunetellers met in the street one day. “Beautiful weather we're having, hey? Isn't it?” said one to the other. “It certainly is,” came the reply. “Reminds me of the great summer of 2020.” Fortunetelling! Tell the future. Not bad!
This one is called “No Distance.” Not bad jokes. Good jokes. Two secretaries were sitting in their office one day, when suddenly a brick smashed through the window with a note attached. “John Murphy & Sons, on Dream Lane, Glass cut to all sizes.” So, one secretary said, “Do you know where that place is?” And the other secretary said, “I do indeed. It's only a stone's throw away.” That's very cute.
And this one's called “Position.” A teacher said, “What did Juliet say to Romeo when she met him on the balcony?” What did she say? So the pupil said, “Couldn't you get seats in the front?”
“Last Word.” “My wife always has the last word.” Everybody knows that. “You're lucky. Mine never gets to it.” What does that mean? (She’s nagging, keeps going on.) Oh, she never finishes! Man, you all know so well. 22:20)Jesus, I'm out of touch with the world. OK, that's that, guys.
Ah, we're waiting for New Year, and it's not coming. (In half an hour.) I know. It takes so long, takes forever. What do we do in half an hour's time? Sitting there and staring at each other? (Staring at You.) Staring at me? (We are receiving Blessings!) OK. I know, but it's just so uncomfortable. (We’re fine.) (We’re comfortable here.) I what? (Are You feeling uncomfortable?) No, you guys. I'm fine. (No, we are fine.)
OK, I give you some magic power. Otherwise, you'll say I never have any magical power. OK, you see this? (Yes.) OK? (Yes.) Yeah? (Yes.) See it? (Yes.) Right. Don't look behind me! Blow it. Blow again. OK, OK. See that! Magic power, yeah? (Yes.) Now, it might be something wrong here. Let me check why. Something trouble. Magic power, magic power. What are they doing? Why are they laughing? Why are they laughing up there? See, nothing. Hula-hop!
OK, baby love. (Magic bag.) Magic bag! Take it. Take it away, one of you. Give it for everybody to see. Put it up so anybody can see it. She took away my ball. Look at that. (Yes.) Yeah? (Yes.) See nothing happened? (No.) She's got the ball, right? (Yes!) Anything in here? (No!) Nothing? (No!) Are you sure? (Yes.) Touch it. There. (Nothing. It’s empty.) Check it out. Anything there? (No.) She took the ball, right? Where's the ball? Blow it. OK, right. Good, huh? (Yes.) You still have the ball there? (Here. Yes.) Why? I have it here! Blow it again. Make sure. Oh, it's not there. What happened? (It's gone.) Put it back on. Put it back. She stole it. OK, it's there.
Wow! I forgot something at home. But never mind, never mind. We do something else. Pass time. I forgot something at home. It doesn't matter. That's OK. Cards, eh? Everybody sees it, huh? Card, OK? Don't tell me what number. (OK. Yes.) I didn't see it. I can do it again, in case. In case you think I cheat. I'm not looking. (Yes. Ah...) That's the number that you were looking. Good. I'll do it again in case you think I cheated. Here, I'm not looking. Check it out, check it out. Maybe she's cheating! Nice stuff we have here. Don't look, brother! It's OK, you can look. It doesn't matter. It's just you can't see much here. OK, have to arrange it so that you can see it well. Because we don't have room here.
Everybody has to see it. Otherwise, difficult to show if there's no room. Just have to lay it out for you so you can see it. (Yes.) Oh, wow, wow. I don’t have room in my hand as well. But I guess it should be OK for now. It's falling apart in my hands. OK, tell me how many number nines you can see in there. How many number nines? (Four, five...) Four, five. (Six.) Six. Are you sure? Everybody saw it, right? (Yes.) I am not sure about that. (Wow!) Take this away. I don't know. I'm not sure if you are right. (Wow!) It's all nine. Must be your eyes! Something's wrong with your eyes! Is something wrong with your eyes? Look again, see if it’s… (Wow!) All right. You OK with that? (Yes.)
I check it out, what we have here. Not looking from behind, no! It's my magic power. We check out what we have. Not looking! Not looking, not looking. We have some money! Some pennies, you saw that? You saw some pennies, right? Right? (Yes.) And there's some money... It's good, it's good. Good, good. Do you see some money there? (Yes.) Cool. I just put it there. Is the money still there? (Yes.) Did I have anything in there? (No.) Then I put it out there. Anything there? Does anyone see anything? (No.) Yeah? (Nothing!) Nothing? You're sure about that? (Yes.) (Wow.) Wow! A lot of money. See, lots of money. My God! How did we have so much money there? Jesus Christ! But still money. Blow it! It has nothing left in there. All gone. (Where it's gone?)
What did you do? You took my money, huh? You, put it back! Guys, got it, huh? Did you get the money? Yeah? No? (No.) You didn't. I don't know why you didn't get any money because there's a lot in there. Should we take some more away or just keep it? What is that? (It's a box.) It’s a box. So we have some pennies here. Check it out, what will happen? See if it'll disappear or not. Is it still there? (Yes.) Pennies. (Yes.) Are you sure? (Yes.) I don't know. Blow it. It's still there maybe. Maybe this one doesn't want to stay. Still there? (No.) What happened to the money? Jesus Christ. Where is the penny? And some money out. Put it there, there. Here, here. Is it gone? (No.) (Yes.) How come it’s not? It’s there. OK, never mind. You guys love money too much. I'm not giving it to you.