“A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Lutheran pastor got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to.” Ah, here we come again. “Each claimed that He would belong to his own.” Of course. “So, the Baptist preacher declared, ‘He would obviously be Baptist. We are so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on Earth. He would join us in a heartbeat.’ So, the Presbyterian minister stated, ‘No, no, no, not so. He would be a Presbyterian. We do everything properly and in order and give the glory to God just like He did. He would join us immediately.’ So, the Lutheran pastor sat silent for a minute. Then he stated, ‘You each have some good points, I must say, but He’d never change.’” He’s faithful to us, that’s what it is. He’d never change. Oh, that’s cute.
“At a school, a boy said to a girl, ‘Isn’t the principal a dummy?’ The girl said, ‘Say, do you know who I am?’ The boy said, ‘No.’ ‘I am the principal’s daughter.’ ‘Ah. And do you know who I am?’ The girl said, ‘No.’ ‘Oh, thank goodness.’”
“The teacher said to John, ‘I wish I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper during the test.’ And John said, ‘Yeah, I wish you didn’t either.’”
“There was a desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists.” You know what happened? “The police caught him for sure. They have 5,000 photographs of him.” The Japanese, they all have cameras. He could not escape it.
“A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, ‘Now, these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?’ ‘No problem.’ The applicant replied. ‘If they don’t behave, out they go.’” (Oh, God.) God.
“A defendant’s attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, ‘Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man’s pulse?’ The coroner said, ‘No.’ The attorney then asked, ‘Did you listen for a heartbeat?’ ‘Nope.’ ‘So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?’ The coroner, wary of the brow beating, said, ‘Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But you never know, he could be out there practicing law somewhere.’”
I think I told you this joke already, but I’m not sure. “On a visit to the United States, Gorbachev met a Russian who had immigrated to this country. So, he started talking to him. ‘What do you do for a living here?’ The Soviet leader asked him. The man said, ‘Well, my brother, my sister and I work in a big factory.’ So, Gorbachev asked, ‘How do these capitalist bosses treat you?’ ‘Just fine, just fine,’ answered the man. ‘In fact, if you are walking home from work, the boss will pick you up in his car, big car, and drive you to your board [meeting]. Another time, he treats you to a dinner in an expensive restaurant. Sometimes he takes you home for the weekend and buys you presents.’ Gorbachev was stunned, ‘How often does this happen?’ The man said, ‘Well, actually, not to me, never sir, but to my sister many times.’”
“There’s a highway sign, it says, ‘Speed limit, 65 for most cars and some trucks under 8,000 pounds – only if they are empty – unless you weigh over 300 pounds, then divide by 6. For additional information, call the IRS, which helped write this one.’”
“An inmate was aware that all prison mail passed through sensors. So, when he got a letter from his wife asking about the family garden, ‘Honey, when do I plant potatoes?’ He wrote back, ‘Do not, under any circumstances, dig up our old garden spot. That’s where I buried all my guns.’ Within days, his wife wrote back, “Six investigators came to the house. They dug up every inch of the backyard.” So, by return mail, she got his answer, ‘Now is the time to plant your potatoes.’”
“At an auction, the selling was suddenly stopped when the auctioneer announced that someone in the room had just lost his wallet containing $1,000 and he’s offering a reward of $250 for its immediate return. After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, ‘255.’” An auction.
“An impecunious, starving artist was cornered by her landlord, who demanded that she pay him several months’ back rent. The artist pleaded, ‘Just think, someday tourists will be pointing at that building and saying, ‘The great abstract painter Celia used to live here.’ And the landlord countered, ‘And if you don’t pay up, they can come by tomorrow and say that.’”
“A loan officer said to a customer, ‘Based on your credit history, it seems the only kind of loan you qualify for is an auto-loan.’ Customer: ‘You mean money to buy a car?’ The loan officer said, ‘I mean money you lend to yourself.’” What’s that? (Auto – self.) (Auto: Automatically to yourself.) Auto-loan? (Autobiography.) Oh, oh, yeah, auto-loan. OK, auto, you lent yourself. Oh, that’s playing [with words], I didn’t know that.
“A stingy man was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of tickets in the state lottery. But after he won the big prize, he didn’t seem happy. So, his friend asked him, ‘What’s wrong? You just became a millionaire.’ The man groaned. ‘I know, but I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket for.’” It was a waste of money. The second ticket. What for? He only wins on the first one; the second, what for?
“A miserly millionaire called a family conference and told them, ‘I’m placing a box of money in the attic.’ He said, ‘When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to Heaven. See to it that no one touches it, until it’s my time to go.’ The family respected his wishes. After his death, the millionaire’s wife looked into the attic. The box was still there. ‘The fool,’ she said, ‘I told him he should have put it in the basement.’” Hell.
“A big firm put up an advertisement for a top job. And an accountant answered it. At the end of the interview, the chairman said to him, ‘One last question: What is three times seven?’ The accountant thought for a moment and replied, ‘Twenty-two.’ Outside, he checked himself on his calculator and concluded that he had lost the job. But two weeks later, he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer. ‘But you were the closest.’” That was a good one. That was a good one. (That was good.) Just like some people would go up to the Fifth Plane but just barely made it or almost there. “Master, pull me up, just a little pull. Give me a little push.”
I told you that joke? We recorded it, no? About a man, a drunkard? Midnight, no? (Yes.) It’s a joke, it’s a Mexican joke. It was in here, but I thought I told you already, so I didn’t tell you again. There was a couple sleeping, it’s three o’clock, and suddenly there was a bang, bang, bang at the door. And the wife told the husband to come down and see who it is. And he saw his neighbor and he asked, “W-what’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you? What is it?” He said, “Well, can you give me a little push?” So, the husband saw that the man was drunk, so he said, “Oh, get lost!” And then banged the door and went back to sleep. And the wife asked, “W-w-what is it?” He said, “Well, it’s just the drunken neighbor, you know. He wants a little push. So, I told him to get lost.” So, the wife said, “Oh, honey, remember one time our car broke down, and our neighbors also gave us a little push. What would have happened to us if he also told us to get lost like you? So please go down and help him.” So, the man felt sort of bad and then dressed up and went down and looked for the neighbor, but he’s nowhere to be seen. And he shouted, “Where are you? Are you still here?” “Yes, I’m over here!” “Where are you?” “On your swing.” Understood?
Photo Caption: Away From Any Trap. Be Safe by Remembering GOD
