“There’s a father who said to a friend, ‘You know, when I was younger, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper, but my son has his own color TV, phone, computer, and CD player.’ So, his friend said, ‘So what do you do?’ ‘Well, I send him to my room.’”
“A young boy and his girl were embracing passionately in the front seat of a car. She asked him, ‘You want to go to the back seat?’ ‘No, no,’ he replied. A few minutes later, she asked again, ‘Now, do you want to get in the back seat?’ ‘No, no,’ he said again, ‘I want to stay here in the front seat with you.’” Oh, my God! Love for dummies, hey. Even you understand better. Wow, I’m surprised! I’m surprised you understand better.
“A young redneck...” I don’t know what that is. Why not blue? Why not blue neck? “...was going through the fourth grade for the third time...” Oh, probably a dummy or something. “...was busy bragging to his friends at school that he knew all the state capitals by heart. ‘Go ahead,’ he said proudly, ‘ask me anyone. I know them all.’ ‘OK,’ one friend said, ‘What is the capital of Wisconsin?’ he said. ‘That’s easy.’ The lad replied, ‘W.’” Wisconsin, Wisconsin. It’s difficult to... Wisconsin, right? (Wisconsin.) “W,” yes. What is the capital? D.C. Washington also “W.”
“A priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.” Oh, oh. Benny! “Whispering firmly, the priest said, ‘Denounce the devil, let him know how little you think of his evil.’ The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order again. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, ‘Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?’ The dying man said, ‘Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I should offend anybody.’” Oh, yeah, “Until I know where I’m heading.”
“Gate of Heaven.” “A man arrives at the gate of Heaven. Saint Peter asks him, ‘Religion?’ The man says, ‘Methodist.’ Saint Peter looks down his list and says, ‘Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.’ Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. ‘Religion?’ ‘I’m a Baptist.’ ‘Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.’ The third man arrives at the gate again. Saint Peter asks, ‘Religion?’ ‘Jewish.’ ‘Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.’ The man says, I could understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?’ Saint Peter tells him, ‘Well, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here.’” I’m not surprised.
“There’s a rabbi, Freiberg, sat alone in the sanctuary of his synagogue clutching a prayer book in his hand… no, book… and sobbing. He cries out, ‘Why, Lord, why? Why did this have to happen? How could my son, my only son, destroy me like this? My only son, he converted to Christianity.’ And a great voice boomed down from the Heaven, ‘Yours too?’” Oh, my God. That was a good one. (It’s a good one.)
Just like the joke some of you told me the other day. An old man arrived in Heaven, and Saint Peter probably had a vacation that day, so Jesus sat there in His place. And then, He asked the old man, “What were you doing on Earth?” He said, “Oh, I was a carpenter and I have a son who is very famous.” Oh, Jesus said, “Is that You, Father?” And the old man said, “Is that you, Pinocchio?”
“A reader reports that while sitting in the upper deck business class, front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are over-booked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight.’ After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.’” The co-pilot.
“There was a bus, and there was an old lady sitting together with her dog(-person). And then a man said to the woman, ‘Can you keep your dog(-person) beside you? Because I feel a flea in my shoe already.’ So, the woman said, ‘Merryl, come here, quick. He has fleas.’” Benny, did you know that, huh?
“A father took his children to the zoo. They were all looking forward to seeing the monkey(-people). Unfortunately, it was mating time, and the attendant explained that the monkey(-people) had gone inside their little sanctuary for some togetherness. So, the father asked, ‘Would they come out for some peanuts?’ And the attendant asked him, ‘Would you?’”
“A lady lion(-people) tamer had the big cat(-people) under such control, they took a lump of sugar from her lips on command. A skeptical audience yelled, ‘Anyone can do that!’ So, the ringmaster came over and asked, ‘Would you like to try it, sir?’ ‘Sure,’ the man replied. ‘But first, get those crazy lion(-people) out of there.’” No need command. Oh, that’s cute.
“There was somebody who called the police. When the dispatcher came, he said, ‘Ah, we have a skunk(-person) in the basement. How can we get him out?’ So, the police dispatcher said, ‘Take some bread crumbs and put down a trail from the basement out into the backyard. Then leave the cellar door open.’ Sometime later, the resident called back and the police asked, ‘Did you get rid of him?’ He said, ‘No, no, now I have two skunk(-people) in there.’”
OK, maybe last one. Then we’ll go to bed. What time is it, by the way? (10:55 (PM).) Oh, my God, that’s 11 (PM)? (Yes.)
There’s some newspaper ad here. “Monday: For sale – R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone number so-and-so, after 7 PM, and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him cheap.’” What is that?
“Tuesday’s notice: We regret having error in R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read, ‘One sewing machine for sale, cheap. Phone number so-and-so and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM’
Wednesday’s notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of errors that were made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: ‘For sale – R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale, cheap. Phone number so-and-so after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who loves with him.’” (Lives.) “Who loves with him.” First, who lives, who is cheap. Did you get all the advertisements? The more he corrects, the better it gets.
“And Thursday,” oh, even worse. Something’s coming. “Thursday’s notice: ‘I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don’t call number so and so, it’s disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, not anymore. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, but she quit.’” He couldn’t bear it no more. So he was... Let’s do it again so you have the better picture.
From Monday to Thursday, it goes like this. “On Monday: ‘For sale – R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone number so-and-so after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him cheap.’
And Tuesday’s notice: We’re sorry for having errors in R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read, ‘One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone number so-and-so and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM.’
And then, Wednesday’s notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of errors we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows, ‘For sale (dash) – R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale (period). Cheap (period). Phone number so-and-so after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who loves with him.’
Thursday’s notice: ‘I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale (period). I smashed it (period). Don’t call number blah, blah, blah (comma), it’s disconnected (period). I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly (period). Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.’”
Oh, my God. Terrible, terrible. Some ads. My God, this is a kind of addiction here. We still have some (more jokes). You want some more or not? Or you want to go to bed now? Bed? Who wants bed, raise a hand? Typical kids. Anything, any lousy thing except bed.
“The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous in telling the new minister how they liked his message, except for one man who said, ‘That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor.’ In a few minutes, the same man appeared again in line and said, ‘I don’t think you did any preparation for your message, Pastor.’ Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, ‘You really blew it. You didn’t have anything to say.’ Finally, the minister couldn’t stand it no more. He went over to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. Said the deacon, ‘Oh, don’t let that guy bother you. He is a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears everybody else saying.’” I think we did say that joke before, but it’s so funny. It’s nice to have. (Yes.)
Photo Caption: GOD Makes All Beings Special, Each Uniquely Beautiful
